How Downplaying Can Get in the Way of Supporting Someone Who’s Struggling

Why reassurance, advice and our own experiences aren’t always helpful when someone opens up about their mental health.

Neither response is intended to be dismissive. In fact, both people are probably trying to be helpful, drawing on their own experiences and offering reassurance. Yet when you’re trying to explain something that’s been affecting your life, these responses might leave you feeling that the other person hasn’t quite understood what you’re going through.

And most of us can probably recognise ourselves in these conversations. When someone we care about is struggling, we naturally want to help. We offer reassurance, share our own experiences or suggest something we think might make things better. Our intentions are usually good, but without realising it, we can sometimes minimise what another person is experiencing.

When someone opens up about their mental health, our response matters. Not because we need to find the perfect words, but because the way we listen, ask questions and respond can influence whether someone feels comfortable continuing the conversation.

We can’t fully know what someone else is experiencing

One of the challenges of mental health conversations is that we often interpret what someone tells us through our own experiences.

We hear someone talk about anxiety and think about the times we’ve felt anxious. We hear someone describe feeling low and remember periods when we struggled with motivation. We recognise something familiar and assume we understand.

But feeling anxious before an important event isn’t necessarily the same as experiencing an anxiety disorder. Having a difficult week isn’t necessarily the same as living with depression.

And even when two people experience the same mental health condition, their symptoms, circumstances and support needs can be very different.

This is why it’s important to approach mental health conversations with curiosity rather than assumptions. We don’t need to know exactly what someone is experiencing to acknowledge that they’re struggling.

Instead of saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” we might ask, “Can you tell me a little more about what’s been happening?”

It’s a small difference, but it gives the person an opportunity to describe their experience rather than having it interpreted for them.

Why reassurance can sometimes shut down a conversation

When someone tells us they’re struggling with their mental health, it’s natural to want to make them feel better.

We might say things like “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine”, “Things will get better” or “Try not to think about it so much.”

These responses usually come from a place of care. We want to offer hope and remind someone that their current difficulties don’t necessarily mean they’ll always feel this way.

But reassurance can sometimes arrive before we’ve understood what the person is actually experiencing.

Imagine telling someone you’ve been feeling increasingly hopeless, only to hear, “Come on, you’ve got so much to be grateful for!”

You might begin to wonder whether you’ve overreacted, whether your feelings are unreasonable or whether it’s better not to talk about them.

When people are experiencing mental health difficulties, they may already feel ashamed, confused or worried about how others will respond. Being told to look on the bright side can unintentionally reinforce the idea that they should be able to change how they feel.

Offering hope is important, but hope doesn’t have to mean promising that everything will be fine.

Sometimes it means acknowledging that what someone is experiencing sounds difficult, letting them know they’re not alone and helping them understand that professional support is available.

When sharing our own experiences becomes unhelpful

Sharing personal experiences can be helpful during mental health conversations. Hearing that someone else has experienced mental health difficulties and benefited from treatment may reduce feelings of isolation and encourage help-seeking.

But there’s a difference between sharing an experience to support someone and unintentionally making the conversation about ourselves.

Perhaps a colleague tells you they’ve been experiencing panic attacks. You immediately begin explaining how you managed your own anxiety through exercise, breathing techniques or changes to your lifestyle.

Your intention might be to offer something useful, but the person may now feel that they should try the same approach, even though you don’t yet understand what they’re experiencing.

They may also become reluctant to explain that they’ve already tried those things, or that their difficulties are more complicated than you realise.

Before sharing an experience, it’s worth considering whether it will genuinely help the person or whether we’re simply responding with what feels familiar to us.

Sometimes sharing a brief example can offer reassurance. Other times, the most helpful response is to continue listening and allow the person to tell us more.

Listening doesn’t mean having all the answers

One of the reasons mental health conversations can feel uncomfortable is that we may worry about saying the wrong thing.

What if someone tells us something serious? What if we don’t know how to respond? What if they ask us for advice we’re not qualified to give?

These concerns can make us hesitant to start a conversation in the first place.

But supporting someone experiencing mental health difficulties doesn’t mean we need to diagnose their condition, provide treatment or solve their problems.

We can begin by listening without judgement, acknowledging what they’re experiencing and asking questions that help us understand their situation.

For example, if someone tells us they’ve been feeling overwhelmed and struggling to cope, we might ask, “How long have you been feeling this way?” or “How has this been affecting your day-to-day life?”

These questions allow us to learn more without making assumptions or immediately offering solutions.

And sometimes we need to allow silence. Someone may be talking about their mental health for the first time and need a little time to find the words.

Listening isn’t simply waiting for our turn to speak. It’s giving someone our attention and allowing their experience, rather than our interpretation of it, to guide the conversation.

Knowing when to encourage professional help

While listening is important, a mental health first aid conversation isn’t simply about providing emotional support.

It’s also about recognising when someone may be experiencing a mental health problem and encouraging them to seek appropriate professional help.

For example, if a colleague tells you they’ve been struggling to sleep, withdrawing from others and finding it increasingly difficult to function at work, it may be appropriate to encourage them to speak with their GP or another qualified health professional.

They may be hesitant. Perhaps they’ve had an unhelpful experience in the past, are worried about being diagnosed or simply don’t believe anyone can help.

Rather than dismissing those concerns or insisting that they seek treatment, we can listen to what worries them and explore what might make accessing support easier.

And if someone discloses suicidal thoughts or there are concerns about immediate safety, the conversation requires a more direct response, including asking about suicide, taking the disclosure seriously and helping the person access urgent professional or emergency support.

This is where mental health literacy becomes particularly valuable. Understanding how to recognise potential mental health problems, respond appropriately and encourage help-seeking can make a meaningful difference.

How Mental Health First Aid prepares us for these conversations

Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) training teaches people how to recognise signs of mental health problems, approach someone they are concerned about, listen non-judgementally, provide initial support and encourage appropriate professional help.

It is designed for everyday people, including colleagues, managers, friends, family members and community members, rather than training participants to become therapists or mental health professionals.

One of the important skills developed through MHFA training is learning to recognise our own assumptions and automatic responses.

We might naturally want to reassure someone, offer advice or share an experience that helped us. But effective mental health support requires us to consider what the person is actually telling us and what kind of response may be appropriate.

Sometimes that means listening. Sometimes it means asking a difficult but necessary question. And sometimes it means helping someone take the next step towards professional support.

Tips for having more supportive mental health conversation

When someone opens up about their mental health, it’s natural to want to help. We might offer reassurance, share our own experiences or suggest something we think could make them feel better. These responses often come from a place of genuine care, but sometimes a few small changes in how we respond can make a real difference.

Listen before offering advice. Give the person time to explain what they’re experiencing. Simple questions like “How has this been affecting you?” can help you understand their situation without making assumptions.

Acknowledge what they’re feeling. Rather than immediately saying “You’ll be fine”, try “That sounds really difficult” or “I’m glad you told me.” Sometimes feeling heard is more helpful than receiving reassurance.

Be mindful of sharing your own experiences. Personal stories can be comforting, but try to keep the focus on the person you’re supporting rather than what worked for you.

Ask what they need. Instead of guessing what might help, ask “What would be helpful for you right now?” You can also gently encourage them to speak with a GP or mental health professional if they’re finding things difficult.

We don’t need to have all the answers to offer meaningful support. Sometimes it’s simply about being present, listening with genuine interest and helping someone feel comfortable taking the next step.

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